Most of the update comes from this--we almost broke up this weekend, but then didn't. Like, to the point where I was pretty sure we were having our last boyfriend-girlfriend embrace together, and then instead of continuing to cry in his car parked outside my house, after my housemate left with her dad, no eye contact, to go eat out, I asked if he'd like to clean up inside. He also had to cut up his pills so that he wouldn't be taking more of the dosage prescribed, so that was important too. Then we were inside and, still teary-eyed, I handed him a huge knife (so that he'd have leverage when chopping the tiny capsule). Then before we knew it, my housemate + herdad + herboyfriend came back from outside. It's not as though we pretended we hadn't broken up, or spoken for the third time this weekend about breaking up, but we both turned a blind eye to the private conversation we'd just had to engage in conversation with Josh about eating dunkin donuts until you get a stomachache.
Since then, even in private moments, I keep wondering if we are broken up or not. He kissed me again, and seemed slightly miffed as usual when I couldn't see him late tonight (on account of my being sleepy--so why am I still typing?), but there is no "I Love You," none of that. Still boyfriend-girlfriend teasing but something changed. It is a big white elephant.
I don't know, I don't know. He was the one who brought it up, too, Saturday morning, Saturday night, and then that was Sunday afternoon. The impetus was always wanting to have more experience with other relationships. I had thought about it too--he kept asking me if it was all just in his head, and it's not--but it is right now, since he just came back to the country, and I waited for him all summer, and even before I had put pants on Saturday morning, it was out of his mouth.
Something about the suddenness, or the weird juxtaposition (I would have understood better if we were talking about it three months ago, or three months in the future), made me cry. That night, he was distant again and explained it was still what he was thinking about. I cried and in the middle while I held my heart necklace the chain broke--I can't make this up, even I would think myself too hackneyed. On lazy Sunday afternoon it was hearing the "Brothers"/"Closer Now Than Ever Before" medley from the soundtrack to Emmet Otter's Jug-Band Christmas, which I'd put on a CD and lent to him a while ago and it was still in his car and he'd grown to love it just as I had as a seven-year-old. It killed me through and through. It took some getting used to.
Damn muppets, damn wishi-washiness, damn differences between male and female closeness. I guess we are not that different. We both want more varied experiences. But I wanted them in the past, or in the future, not right now.
Instead of doing this, I should have studied the camera manual's diagrams of male and female plugs. But no one is awake. Not even myself!